The Smoke 16
The definitive list of the 16 hottest players on the ATP Tour from the one man bold enough to rank them.
by @bigpun
It's Monday. I know this because my post-lunch, post-nap Pamela Reif ab shredder (for beginners) is interrupted by competing noises of the garbage truck barreling down my suburban street and my mom yelling at me for not putting the trash out. Again.
This is my life.
I'm 33, single (cough) by choice, unemployed (cough) by employer choice, and living that Covid quarantine dream at my parents' house...in Indiana.
Even so, between household chores and unending questions about finding a real job or a real girlfriend, all I’ve focused on is pursuing my dream, my one true passion: ranking the hottest tennis dudes on tour.
The Smoke 16.
Why? Because none have tried...and all have failed.
Now in order to fully understand my Smoke 16 rankings, you need to get acquainted with my Smoke compass. Is Chris Hemsworth a Smoke? Unmistakably. Tom Hardy? Indubitably. Idris Elba? You already know.
So then what does the ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) Tour have to offer?
Here are the ranking qualifiers:
-
Players currently in the top 200 of the ATP rankings
That's it. Pretty simple.
I pored over the profiles, Instagrams, fashion shoots and tabloid photos of all 200 (except for those I arbitrarily decided to skip), giving each player his due process, maintaining objectivity and professionalism in my approach.
So there you have it. The table has been set. Now let’s eat.
SMOKE 16 RANKINGS
#16. Roger Federer
Look. Let's just get this out of the way. Fed is comfortably in at 16. The day he leaves the game there will be a spot for him in the All-Retired rankings. Rog on a tennis court is pure sex. And yet -- those arms. That chest. He’s Steve Rogers before the transformation. C’mon Fed, go full Captain America for me, baby.
Career Earnings: $129,946,683
Titles: 103
ATP Ranking: 4
#15. Chung Hyeon
You think I’m joking? Confidence is seductive and nothing screams confidence more than earnestly sporting rec-specs, as every childhood Horace Grant fanatic knows. Chung had a fight on his hands with Peter (Parker) Polansky, but got the edge due to the fact he also flashed braces for a bit. Supreme.
Career Earnings: $3,667,318
Titles: 0
ATP Ranking: 142
#14. Nick Kyrgios
A ticking time bomb, prone to the (sometimes entertaining) petulant outburst. But what can I say, I'm a sucker for bad boys. Toss in the eyebrow racing stripe and Aussie accent and Sign. Me. Up.
Career Earnings: $8,557,448
Titles: 6
ATP Ranking: 40
#13. Danilo Petrovic
This Serbian ectomorph is 6-8. Gotta respect the height!
Career Earnings: $282,381
Titles: 0
ATP Ranking: 157
#12. Dennis Novak
The full-sleeve tattoo. The occasional sprinkle of blonde highlights. Novak is everything I wish I could be.
Career Earnings: $945,870
Titles: 0
ATP Ranking: 85
#11. Benoit Paire
Beard Smoke. James Harden, cease and desist.
Career Earnings: $8,169,218
Titles: 3
ATP Ranking: 22
#10. Jordan Thompson
‘Stache Smoke...AND Mullet Smoke?! This Aussie looks like a strong, silent, mysterious key grip from 1970s Hollywood who just wants to hit a few balls after filming wraps for the day.
Career Earnings: $2,386,532
Titles: 0
ATP Ranking: 64
#9. Juan Martin del Potro
Tall, dark and handsome Argentine who demands you ponder which aspect of him is more penetrating...his eyes or his baseline strokes. Could he have made a push to be one of tennis’ all-time greats had his wrists not fallen off? I just want to nurse this fragile, innocent-but-dangerous gazelle of a man back to health.
Career Earnings: $25,889,586
Titles: 22
ATP Ranking: 128
#8. Marton Fucsovics
When are we going to start acknowledging that shirtless tennis is the future?
Career Earnings: $2,999,911
Titles: 1
ATP Ranking: 84
#7. Gael Monfils
Must-see tv. When Gael leaps into the air for a jump smash my legs go weak at the knees and my heart becomes putty in his hands.
Career Earnings: $19,076,271
Titles: 10
ATP Ranking: 9
#6. Grigor Dimitrov
Yep.
Career Earnings: $18,504,954
Titles: 8
ATP Ranking: 19
#5. Michael Mmoh
USA! USA! USA! Admittedly, after combing through the first 150 players in the rankings I had resigned myself to the fact that no American would step forward and put up a fight for the crown. My Smoke rankings were starting to resemble real life tennis: no relevant American men. Then came player number 182. Michael Mmoh.
Career Earnings: $793,093
Titles: 0
ATP Ranking: 182
#4. Stan Wawrinka
Stanislas Wawrinka. Stan the man. Swiss tennis’s most decorated thirst trap. I just sit on my couch, eyes salivating, refreshing his instagram page and impatiently waiting for that next fire post. Stanny knows exactly what he's doing and I’m here for all of it. Doesn't hurt that he also has a one-handed backhand that just won't quit.
Career Earnings: $34,278,627
Titles: 16
ATP Ranking: 17
#3. Stefanos Tsitsipas
Ah, Baby Bjorn, the poor man's Borg. No one will ever take Bjorn Borg’s place as the best locks ever to swing a racquet, but Stefanos’ hair is transcendent. Plus he has that Greek blood. I’m a quarter Greek myself (on my mom’s side ;))...so we’re practically family.
Career Earnings: $11,236,215
Titles: 5
ATP Ranking: 6
#2. Rafael Nadal
Girl, what that bazooka arm do? Rafa can barely fit his Sequoia trunk-sized arm into human sleeves...and frankly I don't want him to try. Let that bad boy breathe. Let me see it sweaty and flexing under the sweltering Parisian sun. To be clear, if he was still rocking capris and long hair (and stopped picking wedgies) he'd be #1.
Career Earnings: $120,955,904
Titles: 85
ATP Ranking: 2
#1. Feliciano Lopez
Kidding. This guy doesn’t play professional tennis. He's just gorgeous.
Kidding again. He DOES play tennis. Unforced Errors will introduce you to the Feliciano's of the tennis world, and if you already know about his face, body and serve, welcome home.
Career Earnings: $17,370,058
Titles: 7
ATP Ranking: 56
***
There you have it. Sixteen USDA Prime Cut Smokes.
These are the definitive rankings.
You’re welcome. For now.