Tennis x Fashun: Aussie Open Heat Check
by @bigpun & @jb
For players, the Australian Open is the first chance at real tennis glory every year. But it’s also where the world’s leading #brands debut new looks and set the tone for the coming year in tennis fashion. As rising fashion visionaries in our own right, we’re always watching the Aussie Open closely –– and judging harshly. Who looks good? Who looks AWFUL? Take a break from fantasizing about walking the Met Gala red carpet with Fed and Mirka, grab onto our moisture-wicking coattails, and let’s talk ‘fits and #fashun Down Under.
------ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Snot
Notable Adidas Players: Stefanos Tsitsipas, Angelique Kerber, Maria Sakkari, Garbiñe Muguruza, Dominic Thiem, Kristina Mladenovic, Jelena Ostapenka, Alexander Zverev
Adidas, listen. No Australian wants you to dress your players in their national yellow-and-green if the overall effect is going to be this mucousy. Tsitsipas is a global fashion icon in waiting and you’ve adorned him in head-to-toe bile. Sakkari and Kerber probably lost on purpose when they saw the burp rags you laid out for them. Show a little restraint next year, team.
We’ll admit that putting a slenderman like Zverev in the sleeveless caught our eye. Bold. Kinda tasty? But the full body of work is a wet sneeze.
NIKE: Just Do ... Something? Anything? Sure, That Looks Fine.
Notable Nike Players: Elina Svitolina, Grigor Dimitrov, Denis Shapovalov, Victoria Azarenka, Bianca Andreescu, Rafael Nadal, Venus Williams, Serena Williams, Sloane Stephens, Roger Federer, Andrey Rublev, Simona Halep, Iga Swiatek, Naomi Osaka
Nike please take a seat, your father and I would like a word. Look, we’re not mad...we’re just disappointed. There are some individual winners among this group (e.g., Naomi Osaka), but the overall collection is one big “hmmm.” Where is the quintessential flair you brought to last year’s U.S Open??
The women's gear is no doubt stronger than the men's. Not award-winning, but we're not mad at it either. Enough strong performances (see below) to keep us at bay.
But the men....we needed more. Frankly, we expected more. Shapovalov will wear anything you tell his mom to pack for him, and you put him in a monochrome cross training kit all of us dads bought at Dick’s Sporting Goods in 2017. You better step your game up for the French Open, Nike. Paris doesn’t have the same patience your father and I have for mediocre looks.
VENUS WILLIAMS: Supreme
A timeless look for the queen. We ryde or die Venus fans were hoping for a deep run for the 40-year-old legend, but that didn’t pan out. The kit was semis-worthy in our book, which has to count for something somewhere.
BIANCA ANDREESCU: Disappointment Dot Com
Bibi teased this delightful “Florida beach house painting” ‘fit in 2020, but she withdrew and it never saw the light of day. We hoped it might make its long-awaited debut this year, but alas Bianca ditched the gorgeous yellow paint splatter vibe for an entree of Grimace with a side of generic white. She lost in R2. Draw your own conclusions!
SERENA WILLIAMS: GOAT
The best ‘fit of the tournament. Possibly her best ever. Something about it screams lava lamp to us, and we are lava lamp kinda guys. The greatest of all time looking her very best is not ideal for her opponents. If any other player in either draw tried to wear this they’d be DQ’d on the spot. But Serena gets a standing-O.
RAFAEL NADAL: Return of the Sleeves
@ratloff already took you on that ride. Check it out right ‘cheer.
NEW BALANCE: On Notice
We’ll only say this once, New Balance: No one remembers Kobe’s adidas shoes, because they were silly as hell. Everyone remembers Kobe’s Nikes, because they were dope as fuck. You will lose Coco Gauff to Nike if you don’t turn up the heat. This creamsicle does nothing for us. You’ve been warned.
NOVAK’S ASICS: Please Stop
Grandpa Asics and its boring grandson, Novak, are doing their best to cool off the sweltering grounds of Melbourne. These kicks suck. Get them away from us!
BENOIT PAIRE: Big Drama Guy?
Drops sponsor. Shows up. Hates it. Wears Gap t-shirt. Loses first round. Goes back home with $100k in prize money to invest in his new apparel line, The Benoit Derelict for Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking People…now tell me, dear reader, why you still think tennis isn’t a “real sport.”
THANASI KOKKINAKIS: The K-Mart Bandit
Guy rolls into his neighborhood K-Mart and buys some $6 all-black tees for his home soil Grand Slam. True story! And then wins his first match! We wanted him in the finals.
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And there you have it, boys and girls! We have seen and we have judged, and the world is now a more just place. If, like us, you find yourselves deeply disappointed in the #brands, check out the Unforced Errors Apparel Shop and get ya'self somethin from people that actually know fashion.